It’s cold today.  And you know how I feel about cold.  It pisses me off.  And so, of course, drum roll…

Veruca is driving me crazy.  I seriously just need to set up a “driving me crazy” template to make these postings more expedient.  Insert a kid, insert a tantrum but all the other work could be done ahead of time.  I wanted to do one of those on Evil Beet for Amy Winehouse overdose/rehab/stumbling in street clad in her bra stories too. 

Anyway…there is serious dramz here today.  Crying, pleading, bending at the waist and collapsing on the floor like a butterfly under glass (this school system better have a drama department) all because she’s wearing leg warmers today.  If you think about it, leg warmers are kind of a joke.  I got the flu because my shins got cold?  Please.  Fuck, I don’t care if she wears them.  But she thinks she has to wear them since I put them on her this morning.  I’m not used to this level of blind obedience.  And I have had to tolerate a slew of ”can I please, please, please take them off?”  I’m not responding because when I don’t, she gets more frantic in her pleas and tries new approaches and that amuses me.  I’m not being cruel though; this is kind of like a mock trial which surely falls under the pretext of education.  I’m considering a career in law for her and with the good schools being as competitive as they are, I’m doing her a service. 

And hey…It’s not like I woke up this morning and said “Listen here little girl…you are going to wear sparkly pink leg warmers from Gap’s discontinued ballerina line that I paid entirely too much for on Ebay. No.  Matter.  What.”  She has just created this whole quandary in her head.  So yeah, she’s dramatic.  She probably wants to solve this whole thing with a dance-off.  

I am amazed at the number of different defense arguments she has come up with in favor of their removal:

1)  I can’t see my legs. 

2)  You need to be able to see your legs. 

3)  Leg warmers are supposed to be worn with tights. 

4)  Leg warmers live in the laundry basket, not on legs. 

5)  Devil Dog doesn’t have any (that’s where you’re wrong…next time, do your homework kiddo) and he’ll be sad to see mine when he wakes up. 

Because she’s always been so concerned for his welfare.  I bring to you Exhibit A…that’s right, there is more than one attorney in this house…and this bitch has an SLR.  Basically, I’m not to be trifled with:

So I’m a little twisted; revelling in the power I have right now.  Aware that the slightest nod of consent will rewire her entire mood.  Joy will ensue like the flip of a switch as the dungeon cuffs are removed from her calves.  Unicorns and puppies will materialize out of nowhere leaping and prancing to the strains of “Surfin’ USA.”

But for right this minute, I’m enjoying my dictatorship.  And when I’m done with my sugar-free, gluten-free hot cocoa, I’ll go deliver the good news to the saddest ever Fame cast member.  Take off those chains that bind you.  Be free, my child.

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Tags: children, parenting, Veruca

This entry was posted on Monday, November 24th, 2008 at 1:21 pm and is filed under Veruca, children, parenting. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.