It finally happened and I’ve been wanting it to happen. Aspie finally asked about babies and their origin. Well, kind of asked. Ever since he heard about Lola, he’s been walking around the house in melodramatic fashion moaning, “I’m too young to be an uncle,” over and over. But he still hadn’t asked exactly how his sister got fetused.
Sunday morning Aspie told me that he was speaking with Lola the night before and she was telling him about an episode of Animal Planet where they had these zebra donkey hybrids-zebroids. He thought it was cool that the animal looked like a donkey with zebra stripes. And then the question came: he asked how a donkey and zebra could have a baby and while I was at it, would I care to explain how his sister got pregnant.
So, really, it was genius in how it unfolded. Opportunity walked through the door and sat for awhile. But when he asked, time did kind of stand still for a moment as I looked at him. He is still so much my baby. My newborn who projectile vomited on me for nine straight months and called me “Daddy” for the first two and a half years of his life. But now he’s nine plus and I’m at a place of having talks about ejaculate and fallopian tubes. Okay, it didn’t get that technical but can it be that far off?
Still, I never know where to draw the line. What do I explain? How much information is too much information? How do I explain that he was so wanted but it’s a good damn thing he was conceived on the first try or else he would not be here today? Does he need to know that Veruca is the result of failed birth control and Devil Dog is the result of a failed margarita mix to tequila ratio? So. Many. Questions. I snapped out of my reverie pretty quickly and concluded that he only needed basics.
I started with this: “Have you ever heard of the word ‘sex’?” At which point and much to my relief and surprise, Aspie said, “Oh, wait…you already told me about this.”
“Uh…I did?” Because really, I had no recollection of having “the talk” with him before. I felt totally relieved and efficient though and was ready to return to my book, Are You There Vodka? It’s Me, Chelsea.
“Yeah, the magic fairy dust that God sprinkles down on women who want to be mommies…”
Fuck. To my immense chagrin, I informed him that I was going to tell him about sex again but this time I was going to tell the truth. And I told him. He was suitably horrified.
And this, quite honestly, is how I know God exists. Aspie posed the question that no mother should ever have to hear. “How do gay people have sex?” As my eardrums were exploding and my follicles started to burn, Special K walked into the room. Like, mid-question. And if that isn’t a sign from God, I implore you-what is?
I responded to Aspie by saying, “Well, I think that’s a great question for Daddy to answer. Daddy, what do gay people do with their penises? Aspie would like to know.”
I can honestly tell you that there is no greater pleasure on Earth than sitting back and watching your, not homophobic but certainly hard-wired, traditional, straight, scientist of a spouse try and explain homosexual relations in an age-appropriate manner to a nine-year-old. We kind of have this theory that if one of our children is brave enough to ask something, we need to be brave enough to answer it. So, he did. I mean, it’s been thirty-six hours and I may never get over the explanation he offered. He really should have just said something about God sprinkling fairy dust…I bought myself two years with that line.
Aspie and I also covered the topics of love, relationships, waiting, and I briefly covered birth control. I felt it was important for Aspie to know that sex doesn’t have to mean babies and Lola could have been responsible but he doesn’t even think Princess Leia (or Han Solo, for that matter) is hot yet so I feel like I have a little respite before we have to head down the “ribbed for her pleasure” path.
Aspie insists that he will never be wanting to have sex. I told him that will change and that I felt the same way (which is actually a lie. I always thought sex was pretty fascinating but I’m a Leo-there’s no hope for me). It’s a biological thing that he won’t have conscious control over and it will be important for us to keep talking as he gets older. It was right about then that he collapsed on the floor.
I leaned over the arm of the couch to make sure he didn’t have a head injury, I’ve been very paranoid since Natasha Richardson’s demise, when he weakly asked me, “Does this mean you and Daddy have had sex?” It was at that moment that I realized it-if my kid ever learned of my talents utilizing little more than my hip flexors and some eye contact, he would probably spontaneously combust. It’s empowering to know that you possess words that could literally kill a fellow human being. It’s like being a verbal ninja.
Instead I said, “Dude, I’m sorry. It’s like learning about Santa all over again, isn’t it?”
He nodded. To which I sensitively added, “Oh, Santa and Mrs. Claus? They’ve had sex too. I’ll spare telling you about the elves.”
At this point, the child was your basic emotional mess and I decided that he’d had enough trauma for one day. After a few minutes of him staring off into space, I asked if he wanted to go outside with me to help set up the Easter egg hunt for the little ones. He just turned in slow motion and stared at me. It was about that time that I realized that not only had Aspie’s happy universe been blown apart by learning about Mommy’s favorite pastime of her twenties, but I had just unknowingly told him that there is. No. Easter. Bunny.
Sorry, kid. It was a rough day for you.
Omgosh! Hahaha. Poor Aspie. Really.
I remember when my mom told me. She told me about ‘everything’. I mean, sex, period, relationships.. and everything that I wanted to ask. Ha. I remember we were in bed, and she had that book and she started to explain it all.. Hahaha. Nice memory. And then she asked ‘Do you want to have your period?’, and I was like ‘No o.o’. Hahaha.
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well done, ma’am.
I brought up the mechanics of sex to my now ten-year-old several years ago, to circumvent her finding out from the neighbor boys. It wasn’t until a few months ago that it occurred to her that Mommy and Daddy might have sex for any other reason than procreation.
But now she has a boy in her class who has brought her chocolate (or sometimes gummy bears) every day since Valentine’s Day. What am I supposed to do with THAT?!?
As for gay sex… lil girl and her younger brother know all about gay couples, seeing as some of our very best friends are, but there have been no questions about their sexual activity, or speculation thereof. Keeping my fingers crossed to avoid that one for as long as possible.
We all sweat it. Sounds like you did well. : )
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oh. my. god.
LMFAO fairy dust, gay sex
oh god, that is just too awesome.
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“He just turned in slow motion and stared at me.”
I can totally see that in my mind! Hilarious! That’s probably the funniest thing I’ve seen all day.
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LOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOLLLLLLLLLLL
OMG how is this such a big deal? The sex talk was not this traumatic for me when I was little at all.
And when my sister started asking questions we just talked about it like it was the most normal thing in the world, and same with my little brother. I don’t understand why it has to be so taboo and awkward. =/
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As awful as I truly feel for Aspie, this has been one of the funniest freaking things I have ever read. EVER. I had to read it aloud to my husband (as I do whenever I come across particularly funny shit), and it made it even funnier. Tears.
Thank you for that.
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lol I can’t even imagine how uncomfortable that must have been. My mom never informed me about that stuff, but I never asked, T.V. and my older sis informed me. Funny story about my big sis: Her 5 year old was watching a music video and got a little excited, if you know what I mean. He then turned to her and said: “mommy whats happening” she said “EWWWW go to your room”. Lol I guess she’s not ready yet.
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wendie, i always love your writing, and the names you have given your family…. but let me tell you, this entry was the most hilarious thing i have read by you, ever.
thanks for a good laugh.
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This was great. I am definitely filing it away for future reference. I was just trying to decide tonight what to tell my son when he asked if it was okay for boys to kiss other boys. He’ll be six on Wednesday and I simply don’t have an answer relative to his age. IMO, yes it is. But do I tell him that now? If he wants to kiss another boy (which he said he did not, he “loves Mahkenzie”), what will that do to his school life?
This kid rearing thing is increasingly difficult. I thought it was supposed to get easy at some point.
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I have to grown boys. One used to hump the couch before bed every night (we just continued to watch TV–he called it “tickling”–gaahh. He was 2 or 3. The other one (around 4) asked, “why is my peenie getting big?” I asked him, “are ya rubbin’ it?”, he answered, “yes!”. “Well. There ya go.”
God, we are put through a lot with these kids. I wish I coulda been invisible at your house Easter Day. You probably still would’ve heard me giggling.
Awesome job, Wendie.
p.s. If my boys knew I just told told stories, I’d be dead and on CNN.
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OMG this whole post is hilarious, but I’m still cracking up over Aspie running around the house crying that he’s too young to be an uncle. Your kids are so precociously funny.
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You are the best! My mom approached me with The Talk–and not a very good one–when I was freakin’ SEVENTEEN years old. Though I am NOT a Leo, suffice to say that I could have taught her some things by then. Poor mom.
I’ve had the period talk with my almost-eleven year old daughter, which was sort of unavoidable after I realized she had starting producing a single chin pimple every freaking month–identical to the one *I* get every single month. That and the training bra. Argh.
Thankfully we’ve had only rudimentary discussions around sex–I answer what she asks, but so far she’s more absorbed with other things.
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Seriously, you and your family are priceless.
My dad told me that my brother approached him when he was younger and said “dad, now, I have a question and I want an answer. I want the truth.” And my dad, a little perplexed at what this question might be said, “Ok, go ahead, I’ll answer truthfully.” “Is the Easter Bunny real?” “No,” my dad said. And here’s my brother (2 years older than me), “I knew it! I knew it! I’m going to go tell Katie (me).” My dad said he jumped out of his seat and told Ben that he better not even think of it, that if he heard tears from me when Ben left, he’d know who to look for. Oh big brothers, they’re the best!
I think many of us have funny stories, but the way you tell them, your descriptions and choices of words, just impeccable.
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The sex talk was SO easy for me…there isn’t much to discuss about the mechanics when your kid has seen mares and stallions, dogs and bitches put to each other since he was in a stroller. LOL
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I learned about sex from Jean Auel. I’m not kidding. I was like 10 and looking around the house for something to read one day when I found my mother’s stash of romance novels.
Well, I had to learn about gay sex on my own. And quite an education it is.
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Oh Wendy, only you could have me laughing my ass off and crying at the same time. You are awesome!
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OMG Wendie, that was so funny! I love it, visions of mommy & daddy doing the mattress mambo and What?!?!! – the Easter Bunny isn’t real!!. My poor daughter found/figured out about the Tooth Fairy, Easter Bunny & Santa all in one tear filled night.*sigh*
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I think this is the best entry ever. I hope I have kids just like yours. Seriously.
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HOLY SHIT.
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[...] Well Honestly Now » Blog Archive » Mama Walton Beat Polio And … [...]
Hahahaha! I found out from my brothers best friend when I was around 4. I asked my mom if it was true. She said yes and I proceeded to bang on the floor and scream, “THAT’S DISGUSTING! THAT’S DISGUSTING! THAT’S DISGUSTING!!!!”
It was traumatic…
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Oh. My. Goodness! I need the DETAILS of the talk, Wendie! I love your approach!! Blunt honest. I simply love you!
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Ok..so i´ve just finished reading ALL your entries…but this post was the best ever!!!!
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As everybody before me already said: That was a fantastic post! I really like how open you are
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It’s funny how all this Santa Claus and Easter Bunny stuff is such a big deal for some kids. I don’t think I was shocked, when I found out. I don’t even think that my parents told me at any point. Hmmm….or maybe I was so shocked that I blocked the memory out, who knows…hehe.
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Start throwing away your Sears catalogs as soon as they come in the mail; that should give you another couple of years before the even bigger sex talk.
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ooh Wendie! always keeping it real!
don’t believe I ever got the sex talk, but in return was never lied to about santa etc…
seriously I’m starting to enjoy your personal blog way more than EB…not harsh feelings to Beet but you seem to have the only great posts.
Please tell us if you actually found that lohan thing funny cos that’s the kind of stuff that seems to be turning it into a teenfest.
that being said, where do your offsprings names derive from? just wondering..
they sure seem to have inherited mummies sense of wit…does Special K also have this gift?
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Too, too funny.
I had to tell all 6 of ours …… I could NOT believe Jim got the pass on those …. especially the boys!!!
And, interestingly enough, they all had that same last question ……. all asked in utter horror at the answer they knew was coming …..”So ….. you and Daddy have had sex?!!”
Only Son #1 changed it up a bit. When I asked if he had any questions, he asked, “So …. this means that you and Dad had sex 5 times (since we had a “two-for” with the twins)?”
I looked at him for a moment ….. and then said, “Exactly.”
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Not being a parent myself, I get a huge kick out of hearing funny stories like this one, from people who are good parents. Cheers to you and your family.
P.S. I don’t know why people are so hard on you over at EBG.com I think you are such a great writer.
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So I’ll tell you this hilarious story about how my parents were fairly lax about the “sex talk” business. My sister, many years ago at the age of 16 managed to find herself pregnant. So she obviously chooses to burst in on my parents ‘special cuddle time’ and announce the news. My Dad decides in his infinite wisdom, whilst he was sitting there stark naked, to commence on the sex talk. Way, way way after the horses has bolted…..
Think yourself lucky – your story sounds relatively painless. Am fairly sure my sister is scarred. She’s 38 now, with her own kids, some of them 5 and under. Can’t wait to hear how she’s gonna explain ‘the talk’ to them….
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I still insist that I will be the cool mom with my son, open and honest, just as my mother was with me. But now that I have a little boy and realize that anything I tell him will be retold (correctly or incorrectly) to all of the kids at school, I understand that I have to be careful. Not all parents want their kids to know everything. I don’t want my son to be the one teaching his classmates about where daddy sticks it.
As for my sex talk, I was blessed with parents in separate rooms who no longer had sex, so I never had to connect any dots. Convenient.
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My mom was so honest about it too. I felt a little awkward, but it was ok
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hahahaha Jeremy! awesomeness.
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Hahaha…that’s great
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Hey, there.
No, I am so not a fan of Lohan so I didn’t watch the whole thing. I find her tired and tiresome.
Here’s the link where I explain how I came up with the names for the kiddos. Oh, and thanks so much for reading.
http://www.wellhonestlynow.com/?p=619
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Thanks. And eh, every writer has haters…it’s part of the gig.
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