Take Yourself Out Of The Game

There’s something that’s been on my mind for a few days now and I’ve been wrestling with trying to figure out if it’s a Well Honestly Now topic or if it’s a Mommytopia topic. 

MT is the site where I write about all my “stuff” , not just kids but my life too, so I guess that is its appropriate home. 

I get a lot of people asking me how to end relationships or friendships that aren’t healthy.  So, I think this post may have its place on WHN, too.

I’ve had a lot of toxic people in my life.  Men, friendships, children, co-workers.  And toxic people always wielded so much power over me.  Human-created drama used to consume me, wash over my life , exhaust me and divert me from my plans, my path, my goal.  I’ve lost years to poison.

Whether it was a man who just couldn’t decide if he wanted to commit to me, or a friend that offered her insults wrapped in a compliment and served with a smile, or a co-worker’s mental instability launched so craftily that I started to question my own sanity, the idea is all the same.  Some people just function in a drama dynamic.  It’s their lifeblood; essential to their survival.  And like a spiderweb, it’s so easy to get entangled and so difficult to flee from.  

This is what I’ve learned:  Toxicity is a machine and even though I may be a small cog in the big wheel, my participation or lack of participation determines its status.  The machine cannot run without me as a component. 

Toxic people really, really want that machine to run.  The hum of reaction and drama and intensified emotions are what feed them and propel them onward.  I’ve found that non-action is one of the best courses of action to bring the operation to a screeching halt.  By cutting off the supply — not reacting — there is no running machine, no fix for the virulent one, no reason to continue.

When I was really honest with myself, I couldn’t say that these situations I found myself involved in were just happening to me.  Obviously, I played some role in perpetuating them.  We play a role in these unhealthy unions.  Even those scenarios that feel so “I can’t believe this is happening to me”-ish.  Really, with the exception of something catastrophic like children getting cancer — I don’t think I’d have any culpability in circumstances like that unless I was letting my kids lick the high-tension wires or suck on PCBs, in which case I’d be totally at fault — there aren’t many parts of my life that I don’t have a say in.  And my role was always the same — trying to educate, enlighten, fix, rescue or rehabilitate the septic soul that was causing me anguish.  Those days are over.

If you’re stuck in an unhealthy cycle, it’s time to disengage.  I cannot tell you how quickly your deliberate disconnect will diffuse a dysfunctional situation (and if that doesn’t work, my alliteration alone might kill them).  It’s like tennis — It’s no fun once the person on the other side of the net leaves the court.

So, leave the court.  You’ll be amazed at the spiritual strength you’ll regain.  Liberation earned — it’s empowering.

Tags: ending friendships, Toxic people, toxicity