What a day and what a story I have to share with you! As I write this, I don’t even know the conclusion of the story yet. I may just make up the ending the way I want it to go and press “Publish”, but more likely, I’ll wait until day’s end since my reality is usually more entertaining than the perfect fantasies I form in my brain.
I foolishly, foolishly decided that we should go on a family outing today. Everyone was up and fed and fashionably dressed at a decent hour and we got out of here by 10:30. I don’t know how the Duggars go to church. Do they? They must go at night. There is no way they go to 8:00 a.m. mass. Shit, they’re so goddamned efficient — they probably just built their own church at home that the kids staff. C’mon kids! Everyone gets a pew to clean!
We headed out to a town festival called Norwood Day. It’s a bit of a hike for us, but my mother was there representing the Norwood-based company she works for and it was a beautiful day. We arrived and I’m not sure if the exact numbers are in yet, but there were approximately 17 billion people milling around. We located my mom and visited for a few. Veruca and DD got their faces painted. Aspie — uh, no face paint. V immediately regretted her decision and spent the better part of the afternoon sulking, whining and begging me wash her face. Apparently, the face painter can’t get butterfly wings perfect either.
While we were waiting in line for Veruca’s face to be graffitied, I got attacked by a rabid teenager with a clipboard. You don’t want to screw with those chicks. While she tempted V with shiny pretty stones that were totally free giveaways, she thrust a raffle contest form into my face. That’s when the worst tragedy ever to hit my life except for when Maurice Gibb died and the Brothers Gibb were officially cut by 50% — Yeah. Just look at the picture, because I don’t know if I can actually say the words yet.
Rabid Raffle Girl knocked my phone out of my hand. Or I dropped my phone as I was trying to swat her away. Either way, it’s totally the phone’s fault. It plunged to the blocked off street, glass side down. Straight down, no turn, no tumble. Like buttered toast — straight down. Dead. Cell suicide. I knew my iPhone didn’t have a will to live as indicated by its recent low battery life. The signs were there. I just didn’t want to see them.
I stood and stared. RRG ran.
As I wandered aimlessly down the streets of Norwood crying out, “Why? Oh, why?” Aspie begged to climb on this mobile rock climbing wall thingy. I hate just saying, “No,” so I formulated a plan of singing Miley Cyrus tunes — grief makes you do crazy things — at the top of my lungs every time he opened his mouth to ask me if he could climb. He eventually asked Special K who regrettably doesn’t know the lyrics to Party in the U.S.A. have my superior parenting skills. and he said, “Yes.” I tucked into a bar for a couple quick shots — isn’t that what people do when they’ve just witnessed the death of a loved one? –while Aspie did brave and daring, manly outdoor things that I cannot relate to on any level. We’re going for a DNA test next week.
After shoving some mystery product that posed as a hot dog into my kid’s mouths, we decided to head home for a little R&R or as I like to call it, “Time for me to lay on the couch and whine for three straight hours about my phone”. As we were walking down the crowded streets and planning our exit, I felt that weird eerie feeling you have when you’re being watched. I looked all around, but couldn’t see anything unusual. Still, I could not shake the feeling and it was creeping me the hell out. After a minute, something caught my eye. I looked to my right and there was a huge, huge basket of iPhone covers (for sale) staring at me. They were mocking me and judging me. No question. Plastic bastards.
I went home and did some research and my Facebook friends and Twitter friends were awesome enough to send me links to sites that sell glass replacement kits (who knew?) and YouTube videos that explain how to switch out the glass. It looked pretty complicated, but here’s the math: New phone = $400. Refurbished phone = $300. Replacement kit = $70.00 and about $11.00 for the curse jar. The only thing that makes me hesitant is that if you replace the glass, it voids the warranty on the phone. And I really kill things. All the time. I need my warranty. But I also need my money, so what to do? I learned that Apple will replace the glass, warranty intact, for $200 bucks. Outrageous.
I called the Apple store in Providence and explained my tragedy. Brenda, the uber-friendly chick who answered the phone, set up an appointment for me to come in at 6:30. I said to her, “How much is it going to be?” and she replied, “Oh, don’t worry. They’ll work with you.” (Foreshadowing ahead.) I was a little aggravated and said, “I don’t want to drive 50 miles to find out that this is going to cost me $200 bucks.” She assured me it wouldn’t be anything so exorbitant.
Can you guess where this is going? Cut to me in the middle of the Providence Apple store taking a total fucking nutty as my three children and one husband, one Apple Genius — yes, that’s his actual job title — and one Apple Store Manager stand motionless and terrified. There was talk of my disgust, my inconvenience, my 50 miles driven, my readership — oh yes, I did go there, and “Where the hell is Brenda?” I left the store with a brand new, not refurbished phone that I paid $100 for. Surprisingly, I’m not one to really raise holy hell. I don’t send food back in restaurants, I don’t ask to speak to managers — I didn’t tonight either. ”Trevor” was just summoned from some back room when my voice started to escalate in equal pace with my blood pressure. I’m not that customer. Ever. Hardly ever. You know, the issue wasn’t even the fact that they charge $200 to replace a piece of broken glass that probably has a materials cost of $1.75. If that’s what it is, I certainly have a choice to decline that service. What spiked me is that I asked Brenda more than once and she wasn’t straight with me. I hate that.
The night only improved. Next on our agenda was 45 minutes of looking for our car in the mall parking lot. Providence Place has a rather complicated parking garage system and it’s pretty easy to forget where you park. Special K had us on the wrong fucking end of the mall, I was hungry and DD ripped my arm out of it’s socket when he decided to run while still attached to my hand. So I’m holding my new phone with a white-knuckle grip, my other hand was getting rug burn because by this point my arm was dragging on the floor, I’m totally starving, and my lovable but sometimes slightly dim-witted spouse has lost our car. Like, we don’t fight about stuff like that, I just get real passive-aggressive and quiet. At one point, I vowed that I would not walk one more step and that he could go find our vehicle and then come pick us up. After all, it’s so much easier to move a caravan of one than a hungry army of five with me as the Bitch in Command.
Do you think this fun night is over now? No! We have to eat. My totally brills husband informed me that his GPS lists local restaurants. We couldn’t eat too locally because all the Providence eateries were booked hours out. There was a Waterfire in town and that’s a big deal around here. What’s a Waterfire? Um, copper bowls that are placed in a river and then lit on fire. Don’t ask … I don’t really get it either.
I put our location into the piece of shit GPS — forevermore will be referred to as POSGPS — that I bought K for his birthday, and it gives directions to a Chili’s. Fine. Within moments, the POSGPS has led us into the dark, unlit slums of Rhode Island. Sure, RI may seem like a pretty tame little state where “crime” means “banking scandals”, but I’m here to tell you that there are some scary-ass sections and we were in them. Because I’m especially adept at stating the obvious, I told Special K that I felt pretty sure that there was no Chili’s or any other over-priced, mediocre chain restaurants in the area. Businesses don’t pick these parts of town to set up shop. Mobile Methadone clinics? Yes. TGIFriday’s? No. ’Round and around the same crack house we went. Our POSGPS has a sense of humor, apparently.
Finally, we cheated death and were back on a major highway. Close to home, we stopped at an over-priced, mediocre chain restaurant and had an over-priced, mediocre meal. DD had basically lost his mind by this point. Fellow patrons looked at him — our seizing, special needs child — with their sympathetic smiles. It made me realize, if he was a seizing, special needs child, that would just be our life. But since he isn’t a seizing, special needs child, he was pissing me off.
The drive home was pretty quiet. Once we are fed, we are a kinder people. I had my shiny phone, all beautiful and not “spider-webbed” — Thank you DD for your valid and artistic observation of what a smashed iPhone looks like — the children were silent and exhausted. It was one of those crazy days that you really couldn’t predict what would happen next. I was glad it was over.
We were almost home when I heard Veruca’s sweet sing-songy voice in the backseat. ”Daddy? I’m so happy tomorrow is Sunday. I can’t wait for my friggin’ pancakes.” K and I just looked at each other with blank stares. We let that “teachable moment” pass. I suspect there will be so many more.
And this is the story of life. I love it. Sorry about your phone. Happy you got a new one!
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damn…what an apple store experience. i hate that it costs 200 bucks to replace that shit. unfortunately at our store my managers are pretty tough lol they wouldnt have discounted it for u i promise that lol although you and i woulda had a good time bitchin about it!
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This whole post just made my day. Specifically, the video of DD made my day. It had me in tears from laughing so hard. He is hilarious! Did he say that he was “Rocking out”?! So so funny.
I’m glad that you got your new phone, when I saw what happened earlier on Facebook I was horrified. Good for you for not curb-stomping the RRG, I sure would have wanted to if that happened to my (imaginary) Palm Pre. Damn I want that phone. Aaaanyway…
Please keep the posts coming!
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Rhode Island isn’t nearly as bad as you make it seem! And there is a Chilli’s about 2 minutes away from the mall so I’m not too sure how you ended up in the slums. I’ve lived in RI for over 20 years I’m not even sure what would be considered a slum in Rhode Island.
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admin Reply:
September 20th, 2009 at 9:03 am
LOL! I don’t think RI is bad. I KNOW the neighborhood I was in is bad.
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Hockey Reply:
September 24th, 2009 at 12:09 pm
I think ever major city has a scary section of it and I too got into a pretty sketch looking section when a date of mine took a wrong turn after leaving the dunkin donuts arena.
I live in Manchvegas NH and we have a sketch section too, Union Street, Beech Street, I wouldn’t want to be on any of them after dark without a car to protect me.
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I’m so glad you got a new phone! I dropped mine in a puddle last winter and I cried. Yes cried. It died slowly but then came back to life a couple hours later. Since then my iPhone and I are inseparable. lol.
DD’s video had me dying of laughter…too friggin’ funny!! 
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admin Reply:
September 20th, 2009 at 9:03 am
Wow, it’s like a Walton Mountain miracle!
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If I had known about your customer service super powers three weeks ago, I would have sent you the bat signal while arguing at the counter of my local AT&T. My 12 yr old’s phone decided it no longer wanted to power on anymore. And AT&T decided they weren’t going to honor the warranty because the phone had scratches on it. Find me a cell phone belonging to any 12 yr old that doesn’t have scratches and I’ll eat it! Anyway, yadda, yadda, yadda, I ended up buying him another one : /
What happened to real, honest to God, customer support?
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Wendy,
You are Freakin hysterical!
Glad that you’re phone is back!
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Rock out DD! What a DAY! I’m exhausted reading it. Throughout the whole thing I was impressed that your family stayed together.
I hope today goes MUCH better and I hope Veruca enjoys her friggin pancakes!
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Just want to say… that we’re very sorry that we are on our honeymoon and were not around for you to call while looking for someplace to eat in Providence. I can just hear it now “why did they have to pick THIS week to get married??”
B just said he knows where that Chili’s is…. and ouch. Don’t you wish GPSs could distinguish between neighborhoods? Happy you have a brand new phone… hope V’s friggin’ pancakes are the best ever!
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admin Reply:
September 20th, 2009 at 9:04 am
I can’t believe you read over here on your honeymoon. And yes, I can’t believe you weren’t in town to help me through my devastating day. Way to be selfish, bitches.
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You just made my evening!
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I had tons of trouble at the Apple store too. Nearly punched my “genius” in the face. Also, Waterfire is definitely lame, but people over here go nuts for it. I don’t get it.
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I thought your iPhone had cling film on it from the FB thumbnail at first!! Very sad for you, and the fact you had to pay $100 for a new one :/ I don’t really bother with warrantys, a cracked (open to all apps, free) iPhone is void of warranty anyway, i just assumed loads of people – everyone – cracked it for free apps haha
I wish i could talk about the whole post because this was an excellent one, but i’m waaaay tired :/
Pancakes on Sunday – i forgot you guys did that! That was something our dad did every Sunday too, after church ^——^
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Bunny Reply:
September 20th, 2009 at 12:59 pm
warranties*, even.
I hate misspelling words i know, especially on the internet haha >….<
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OMG Wendie! You are an incredible writer because I was literally having a panic attack just reading your blog, in fact I had to put my i phone down after the sentence about the DNA test and take a deep breath-I swear. Thank goodness you got a new phone and did they tell you that you have to re-boot it every week? I just learned this about my phone a few weeks ago because the battery kept draining to fast despite my keeping it charged. I mean I have a charger in the car, plugged into the wall in the bedroom, one at work and one downstairs in the kitchen. Well, how to re-boot it? You hold down the off button on the top at the same time you hold down the square box inside the circle indent (tech incompetent, I know!) on the bottom front of i-phone until it shuts off and the white apple symbol shows up on the screen and that does it. Once I learned this my phone now stays charged much longer. If you do a ton of searching on the next and go to different sites then you actually need to re-boot it more frequently so it cleans out the memory-that is how it was explained to me. Also you can buy a hard case that makes it almost impossible to break-I bought it the same day I went in about the battery issue because the guy behind the counter took his out and dropped it to show me how it worked. I didn’t even hesitate after he did this and said great, set one aside now (I am a klutz and hard on everything). You have probably gotten a ton of “helpful” posts about this already but just in case you didn’t know about the hard case I wanted you to know.
Next, Veruca saying she was ready for some friggin pancakes on Sunday was just too perfect and if you hadn’t posted video of this child before I would have thought you were exaggerating for effect but I know better. Now, I don’t ever want to get preachy but by gosh this is Special K’s fault as he has indulged those kids with the best pancakes ever on Sundays. Remember when he went out of town, you woke up early, slaved away to make the pancakes and the younglings gleefully told the camera that Mommy’s pancakes are ok, but “DADDY’s PANCAKES ARE THE BEST.” Special K you are fantastic but this is all yours buddy, all yours! Wishing you a restful Sunday….
Sheila
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I can’t believe how many people in here are from RI! I’m still trying to figure out which chilli’s near the mall you went to?! Unless you wandered into South Providence, I don’t know any that would’ve been that scary. But more importantly, why you didn’t just eat at THE CHEESECAKE FACTORY (YUM) right inside the mall, or in the mall food court.
You touched upon my pet peeve!!!!!!!! The inept engineers who designed the Providence Place Mall Parking Garage should be clubbed like baby seals for the craptastic job they did. Since i live inProvidnece, I am routinely forced to suffer through that hellish maze. Don’t even get me started on what it’s like to be in that friggin garage with the crowds during the holidays!! It nuckin futs.
Anyhoodle. I read you faithfully, but never comment, so I’ll take the time to say – even tho I have no children, & I am single – I still identify with much of what you write, find you extremely entertaining, and you are the only reason I still read EB. You are very talented, and seem to be a wonderful mother, regardless of the self deprication with which you write.
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Laura Reply:
September 22nd, 2009 at 12:20 am
Honestly not being rude, but I do have a question. After reading some of the responses here I have to ask, is there only ONE mall in Rhode Island?
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Lynn In Providence Reply:
September 22nd, 2009 at 7:48 am
There are 2 additional malls in RI, both in Warwick (@ 15 mins from Providence) and practically side-by-side. The Warwick Mall & The Rhode Island Mall. The Warwick Mall is much better than RI Mall, but both pale in compasision to the Prov. Place Mall, which is, really, a very good mall, but for that foolish parking garage.
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Laura Reply:
September 23rd, 2009 at 12:42 am
2 Excedrin P.M. and glasses of wine=ridiculously stupid question! Thank you Lynn for being kind enough for replying! : )
Laura Reply:
September 23rd, 2009 at 2:00 am
or …to reply….geez! I’m 0 for 2!
Hockey Reply:
September 24th, 2009 at 12:04 pm
Love the mall though, love that it’s carpeted. HA! Genius…all our malls in NH are marble type material that you could kill yourself on in the winter.
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admin Reply:
September 24th, 2009 at 1:31 pm
Yeah, but at Pvd all the carpeting has detached from the floor. It’s a death trap.
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I have to agree with Veruca about the face paint. I sincerely hope that whoever did that butterfly was donating their time.
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