Who the hell are you and why did the Internet trust you with a website?

My name is Wendie Tobin and I was born in 1972.  There are several stories milling around about how I was named.  The most prevalent, and probably closest to the truth is that my father insisted on naming me Gwendolyn and my mother filled out “Wendie” on the birth certificate.  Who knows how old I was before he realized what my name was.  I’ve also been told that “Wendie” was a character on a ’70s soap opera.  That would mean that my name was picked out of TV Guide.  If that story is true, it explains so much about my most recent career decisions.  Wendie, like Heather, is a name that I feel only belongs to blondes.  I am not blonde, nor do I have more fun.

I decided to start this blog when I realized what a colossal fucking joke society has been trying to sell mothers.  We paint this vision of how parenting is going to be — I totally bought into all those Johnson & Johnson lavender baby bath ads and I’m here to tell you that my kids could drink that stuff and still not drift off to sleep like the baby on the commercial does — and it seems that there is very little support for us when our plans go up in flames.  Here’s the deal:  It’s okay if your kids don’t eat organic.  Hell, it’s okay if your kids have fruit snacks for dinner.  Not all the time obvs, but I promise you this:  Some kids who are sent to bed with a sippy cup actually do get accepted into Harvard.  

My philosophy isn’t one of not caring, just of making better choices of what to care about.  There are more battles to be fought than there are hours in a day.  Something must fall by the wayside and for me, it’s daily baths.

How did you and Special K meet?

Special K was collared around the neck and I married on November 5th, 2005.  The story of us can be found here.  I suggest you grab a bottle of JD or are running some sort of IV drip before you start reading.  It’s a long one.

Just how many kids do you have?

If you read my website, you’ll come to the conclusion that I’m a mother of about eight kids.  We actually only have three.  This means one of two things:  a)  My children have a lot of personality and therefore give the impression of being a larger group of children or b)  I’m extremely inept at managing the chaos of my life.  Ahem.

Where did you get the idea to name your daughter Veruca?

I get this question quite often.  People are very upset that I hate my daughter so much and burdened her with such a name. Okay, I’ve written a post about this topic here and if you’ve watched my videos you already know this, but I’m not totally fucking insane.  I didn’t actually name my kids Aspie, Veruca and Devil Dog.  I don’t even know if it’s legal to name your kid after a trademarked snack cake.  Their site names came about as a way to clearly identify them based on one of their most prominent personality traits.

Do you work?

Read here for the full synopsis, but yes, I work.  In addition to forming three human beings that hopefully won’t have to serve too much time in the state pen, I work as a celebrity gossip writer for Evil Beet Gossip.  I also run this site — Mommytopia as well as an advice column — Well Honestly Now and a gluten-free food review site — Surviving Celiac.  Occasionally, I also operate the washing machine and the oven.

What is Celiac disease?

Celiac disease is on the same level as having cankles — a totally unfortunate condition that no amount of prayer will reverse.  Celiac disease, in its most simple definition, is an intolerance to gluten.  The only management — there is no cure — is complete and total abstinence from consuming gluten.  If you don’t know what gluten is, let me put it like this:  You know how you eat all your favorite foods and they’re so delish?  It’s the gluten that makes them taste so good.  It’s the Yum Factor.

Where did your ads go?

I was recently banned for life from Google’s Adsense program.  Google AdSense will forevermore be referred to as GAS here on Mommytopia.  Our conversation went something like this:

GAS:   We’ve suspended your account.  We can’t tell you why, but we did.  You can appeal though.

ME:      (Filed appeal)  I have no idea why I’ve been banned.  I have never in my life clicked one of my own ads.  I’ve reviewed your Terms of Service and cannot see where I’ve violated any rules.  I’m happy to provide you with any and all traffic reports to prove that I haven’t done anything unethical.

GAS:    We’ve reviewed your appeal.  We feel you are a danger to our advertisers.  We can’t tell you why.  It isn’t necessarily something you did, but you are a danger.  We have a proprietary system though, so we can’t tell you any more than this.

I suspect that the red flag that caused them to boot me was somehow related to the fact that I finally started earning a bit of revenue.

In a nutshell, I am currently the little girl Maritza from the C.A.R.E. ads, looking for a sponsor.

What’s your bra size?

38C on a good day.